SELECT YOUR LANGUAGE

In life, we go through many stages of metamorphosis from infancy to youth, to teenager, as well as to adulthood.  The way we dress changes.  The way we behave changes, and the way we think changes as well.  One of the reasons why we go through so many changes is because of maturation.  When we mature, our way of thinking changes and our behavior changes as well.  When our way of thinking changes, our circle of friend’s changes, and those we engage in relationships with changes as well.  When we shift from brokenness to healing, our new mindset usually gets tired of the old ways, which is what prompts change.

​

Change is an inevitable part of life that involves us growing up; not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. Just like seasons change, people can also change.  Sometimes people change and become better, and sometimes people change and become worst.  Our experiences in life are usually what influences our way of thinking and behaving. If we have more negative experiences than positive experiences, we tend to adopt a negative mindset and exhibit negative behaviors.  However, we can also get to a point where we are “sick and tired of being sick tired” (mentally exhausted and want to feel better) and adopt a more positive mindset and exhibit positive behaviors.  If we don't allow negative experiences to control our behavior, we can learn how to not let our emotions control what we do and what we say. 

​

As life changes, we must be willing, flexible, and adaptable enough to flow with the changes.  Change can be uncomfortable at first, so you have to figure out what you need to do to be able to adapt to the changes.  Change is often met with resistance.  Some people resist change because of the fear of the unknown.  The more people understand why change must take place, the less resistant they are to change.  Defensiveness is usually the initial response to change.  People might say and do things to protect themselves from what they could view as potential harm or a threat to current processes or way of thinking and behaving.  He/she might say things that they really don’t mean, if they think you are trying to tell them that they need to change.  This is the reason why I often say, “Say what you mean versus saying how you feel.”   I say this because, our feelings are driven by our emotions and when wen are emotionally driven sometimes what we say is not really what we mean.  When you think about saying what you mean, think about the outcome that you want to achieve from that conversation. If you want someone to support your endeavors saying to them like, "If you don't support me, I’m never going to support you," is not a good way to get someone to support you.  And, that statement is not what you mean, it is what you “feel.”  What is usually meant by that statement is, “It would make me happier if you would support me like I support you.”   The first statement could make the person distance themselves from you and make them feel like you are saying that they are doing something wrong; when in fact you do not know their financial situation, time constraints, or circumstances that could be the reason why they are not always there to support you. 

​

You might think that if you make someone feel guilty or hurt, they will rethink their decisions. However, it could result in the complete opposite and push the two of you further and further apart. To help you distinguish a feeling from a meaning, you have to identify the emotion you feel when you say or do something. Usually when we state a feeling it often comes from a place of anger, frustration, and is an emotionally triggered response that creates defensiveness, deflection.  Saying something like, “I hate you” is a feeling.  “You make me sick” is a feeling.  “You need to grow up” is a feeling. “You will never change,” is a feeling.  Before you say any of those things to someone, learn how to change these feelings into meanings.  For example, instead of saying. “I hate you,” the real meaning behind those words is. “I don't like what you did, because it hurt me.”  Instead of saying, “You make me sick,” change it to a meaning by saying, “Sometimes, when you do things like that or say things like that it upsets me.  Can you be more considerate of other people’s feelings?”

​

Instead of saying, “Grow up,” change it to what you really mean, i.e., “Sometimes, when you say or do things like that it can appear quite irresponsible. It would benefit the both of us if you took your actions more seriously.”  Stating the latter could give you a better chance of getting the outcome that you desire.   The truth is, if you want people to change, you have to more diplomatic in your approach to convincing them that change is needed.

​

Telling someone they will never change (if their behavior is negative) is another way of saying, “I give up on you and the possibility or hope that you will do and be better.”  Ask yourself, “What do I think about when people say hurtful things to others and later apologize and say, they didn't mean it the way that the message was received?”   This will help you articulate what you mean versus what you feel. 

 

Some people often lack the ability to control their emotions in an emotionally heightened situation, and because of this they speak out of anger and hurt and not with love.  They usually speak without thinking about the outcome they want to achieve.  People usually do not want a negative response or outcome, unless they are a toxic person who usually gets some type of enjoyment from disappointing or upsetting others.  You have to teach people how to treat you by speaking up for yourself when you are mistreated. 

​

The good part about all of this is that everyone has the ability to change for the better.   We shouldn't believe that people cannot change.   The first step to changing is to admit and accept that you have to change, if you want to be and do better.  The next step is to take the actions towards being and doing better, not just stating that you want to do better.   When people change for the better we shouldn't look at him or her in a judgmental way, based on their past.   We should applaud them and encourage them to keep up the good work.  Change is not always easy, especially for people who have been doing the same things for several years.  You might hear people say, “Oh, look at what he's/she's doing now… I remember when…”  as if people cannot change.  People can change, so allow people to grow even if you didn't. 

 

All of us are meant to evolve in some way.  We are not meant to remain the same, so if you do bad things know that if you want to do good things, instead of doing bad things, you can.  You don't have to continue to do bad things, you can change no matter how much people tell you that you will never change.  You do have control over you.  Let God lead you and he'll even change their perspective of you.  Instead of worrying about how other people feel about you, start focusing on how God feels about you and how you feel about yourself. If you look in the mirror at your inner self and you can honestly say that there is absolutely nothing that you could do better, you would be lying to yourself. 

Because none of us are perfect. 

 

There's always something that we can improve upon; whether it is getting more rest, exercising more, being nicer to people, working harder, eating healthier, taking care of ourselves, and being a better steward of our money.   Whatever it is for you, know that You too can change.  Start working on being better today.  Change is inevitable and it is a good thing.  Change could be scary at first, but it is necessary to get to the next level of your life.

​

By Lynnette Clement