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In relationships, we tend to think that our mate is a mind reader, and we think that he/she should know our thoughts, wants, desires, likes, and dislikes.  One of the biggest mistakes couples can make in relationships is to assume that your mate knows what you are thinking or what you need without you stating your thoughts and needs.  You might even think, “By now, you should know me.” However, you have to realize that everyone has a lot going on in their personal life, so they might forget things.  If your mate forgets something that you told them about yourself, it doesn’t mean that he/she doesn’t care about you.  Your mate is not your enemy.  Give him/her the same grace that you want.   What is wrong with you telling your mate what you want from him/her?  What is wrong with telling your mate what you want him or her to know about you?  

 

It takes time to learn everything about someone.  You might be surprised that even after several years together, you could find that there are still some things that you do not know about each other.  Have you ever dated someone and found out that one of you prefers to take a hot shower and the other prefers a cold-water shower?  Or, that you spent years watching a television program with your mate only to later find that he/she never liked that t.v. show?  In the latter situation, when you wait to talk to your mate about your likes and dislikes, this is when you hear, “Why didn’t you tell me that you don’t like that t.v. show? “  in relationships, I strongly believe that the BOTH of you should be happy and have your needs met.  It is okay to tell your mate what you need from him/her, so that the two of you can compromise.  No matter what, please refrain from saying things like, “You should already know…”   Keep in mind that your mate is not a mind reader.

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Communication is one of the most important components in a relationship.  You should be able to openly communicate any topic with one another.  If I like a certain position during sex and you like a different position, tell me so that we can switch it up.  We can both come up with creative ways to explore different positions and body parts.  Communicating to your mate what you need is just as important as communicating your love language and what motivates you in a relationship.

 

Telling your mate what you need from them takes diplomacy.  Keep in mind that you might not always get what you want exactly how or when you want It, but that does not mean that you should stop communicating your needs.  It is still important to let your mate know what you want from him or her.  You should feel comfortable talking to your mate about anything, so that you don’t have to talk to people outside of your relationship about what you want from your relationship.  People outside of your relationship cannot help you get what you want from your relationship. 

 

Tell your mate what you need from him/her.   Don’t be tight lipped about what you want from your relationship.  As the saying goes, “A closed mouth, don’t get fed.”  Both of you should be happy.  If you are afraid to communicate with your mate about what you need from him/her, you cannot be upset when you don't get what you want.  When your mate shares what he/she needs from you, be open minded.  Listen without invalidating their feelings with a rude or selfish response, even if you are not okay with whatever he or she is asking of you.  Try to compromise as much as you can without compromising your own morals and values.   

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Your mates’ needs are important to sustaining your relationship.  Work towards meeting each other’s needs in the relationship. If you do your part and your mate does their part in helping to meet each other’s needs in the relationship, both of you should be happy and content with each other.  There is no way to get what you want from your relationship, if you don’t communicate what you want.  Communication is key.  The next time your mate asks you, “What do you need from me?,” be honest and tell him/her exactly what you need.  Never assume that he/she should already know.

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By Lynnette Clement