Forgiveness is a process that you have to be open and ready for.  It is not always an easy thing to do.  However, it is one of the best things that you can do for yourself.  Often times, we hold onto bad feelings for people who have wronged us in some way and depending upon how deep it hurts us, we can carry that hurt for several years.  And, if we are not careful, we can carry that hurt with us to other relationships and end up hurting people who had nothing to do with our past hurts.  This is one of the reasons why forgiveness is so important.  Not forgiving someone is like allowing that person to have control over how you feel and how you think, and no one should have that much control over you.  Forgiveness is not for them, it is for you.  Forgiveness does not mean that you are letting them off the “hook” for what they did to you, it means that you are no longer going to let them impact your life any longer.  You have to be ready to forgive someone.  The first thing that you have to be ready to do to be able to forgive someone is to be vulnerable.  You have to be ready to be vulnerable.  Vulnerable enough to go back to the moment and/or moments that hurt you and you have to be ready to be honest about how you feel/felt about it.  Often times, this might require counseling to help cope with the emotional feelings that will be evoked when opening up about what happened and how you feel about what happened. 

 

If you are not ready to forgive, you will shut down and go into avoidant mode and possibly depression when triggered back to the pain the experience caused.  So, it is better to prepare yourself first to have an open and honest conversation about what happened and how you feel about it.  Then, you have to be ready to have a conversation with the person who hurt you and let them know how what they said or did impacted you.  Sometimes, in doing so, this too will trigger your mind to go back into that moment when the incident(s) occurred.  So, make sure that you are prepared first.  You also might not get the anticipated response or apology from the person(s), so be prepared for that as well. 

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In your preparedness, you have to be ready to be okay with never getting an apology, because this will require the other person to be ready to be accountable for his/her actions and how their actions affected you.  It is not everyone’s intention to hurt others by their actions, so often times when you communicate to others about how their actions made you feel, he/she might not even know that what they said or did hurt you.  When speaking with them you can and should address what they said or did.  If the other person is not ready to be held accountable or accept the fact that they hurt you; that is not your problem, it is their problem.  We then have to accept that the person(s) is/are incapable of being who we think they should be in that particular situation and unfortunately have to accept them for who they are.  When a person shows you by their actions who they are, believe them.  At that point, it is not between you and them, it is between them and God.  God holds us accountable for our actions, even if we do not hold ourselves accountable. 

 

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to continue to be friends, or continue to be in a relationship with the person, nor does it mean that you have to interact with the person, it just means that you will not allow what they did to you to impact your life in a negative way.  However, if the relationship is repairable, you can recover and rebuild the relationship by working towards being more mindful and considerate of each others feelings.  Again, remember that forgiveness is for you.  We should forgive, so that we can move on with our lives without holding onto past hurts.  Do not allow someone else to have that much power over your life.  You deserve to be released from the “prison” that unforgiveness puts you into. 

 

Do not expect yourself to be able to forgive someone immediately, again forgiveness is a process.  It is similar to the process of grief.  You first have to acknowledge what happened, you have to accept that what happened cannot be changed after it has already happened, you have to be honest about how you feel about what happened, you have to be open to communicating to the person to let them know how what they did or said impacted you, you have to be ready to receive whatever the outcome of that conversation might be, you have to be willing to accept that the person might not be ready to be held accountable for their actions, you have to take ownership in the role you played in the situation, you have to be okay with the possibility that you may never hear, I’m sorry, and you have to be ready to forgive and move on with your life no matter what. 

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After you have truly forgiven someone, do not bring up the situation again, because it will definitely take you back to the unforgivable place again and evoke the same traumatic experiences, which will set you back to “stinking thinking” (negative, painful thoughts).  Hurt people, hurt people, so until we are all ready to heal ourselves and forgive others, it will be a vicious never ending cycle of broken people in the world hurting each other.  To break that vicious cycle, we must learn to forgive, because forgiveness has unimaginable healing potential that will allow us to begin to mend our broken pieces and live a fulfilling life without carrying baggage with us.  Who do you have to forgive today?  Start working on that process.  FORGIVE.

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By Lynnette Clement

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