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All of our experiences shape who we are, sometimes for the worst and sometimes for the best.  Everything that we encounter in life, plays a vital role in shaping our mindset, belief system, character, and communication style.  Most of us subconsciously carry those experiences into our relationship.  If our experiences were unpleasant, and we do not process those experiences in a healthy way, we can unfairly transfer our "mess" to someone who had nothing to do with the "mess" that we encountered prior to meeting him/her.

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If you experience an unpleasant situation with your mate, and you decide to stay with him/her, you also have to be willing to forgive, and let go of the unpleasant experience, if you decide to give your mate another chance to get it right.  You have to heal, so you don't continue being guarded as if you are waiting for the "ball to drop again."  If it is a situation that you cannot overcome, do yourself and your mate a favor and let go before you destroy yourself and/or destroy your mate and the relationship with toxicity.

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Your past experiences, do not have to impact your current situation, if you do not want them to.  If you want to heal, you can.  If you want to be a better mate, you can be.  If you want to stay in your relationship and work towards making it a healthy one, you can.  You just have to be willing to work with your mate and together do the work necessary to getting back to loving each other in a healthy way.  If you cannot love each other in a healthy way, or let go of the past, let go of the future that you are not willing to work towards.  Even if your mate does not want you to leave, if you cannot love him/her fully and do not treat him/her the way that he/she deserves and need to be loved, Leave.  Leaving him/her will allow your mate the opportunity to be with someone who will love them without barriers.

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If you allow your experiences to prevent you from loving and being loved, you are missing out on one of the most important aspects of life, LOVE.   Don't let what you have been through in your past, make you feel like you're undeserving of the love you want and need.  Don't let your experiences make you give up hope in having a healthy relationship.  He/She is out there waiting for you to show up, ready, whole, healed, and happy.

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Heal from whatever experiences you need to heal from.  Don't waste your precious time allowing barriers to overcome your heart, so much so that you cannot allow someone to come into your life and contribute to your happiness.  Remove the barriers.  Remove fear and doubt.  Take time to date and get to know someone new.  Give him/her a fair chance to get to know you and with that informed decision allow God to lead you.  If it is supposed to work out, it will.  If it isn't supposed to work out, it won't.  Nevertheless, you will have gained knowledge from the experience that will help you learn what to do better or what not to do next time.  Experience is the best teacher, however, don't let an unpleasant experience tarnish your perspective about all people.  We are all different and we do and say things differently.  

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If you allow yourself to love again, even through the fear, you might actually find your soulmate.  So, stop running from your past hurts, confront them, and find out what was the lesson you needed to learn from the experience.  Learn the lesson and come out better, not bitter.  A bad experience, does not have to lead to a bad life.  You can and should move on with your life.  Stop looking back. Don't get stuck in your stage of trauma.  Instead look at what is in front of you, and do not take anything or anyone for granted.

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Your experiences and feelings are valid, and you are entitled to feel however you feel about your own personal life experiences.  However, you are not entitled to project those experiences onto someone else.  If you are not ready to give your heart freely, be honest about why.  Be prepared to lose your mate, if you have him/her waiting too long for you to get over your past unpleasant experiences.  If your mate means something to you, work towards healing from past traumas, and ask for their patience as you try to figure out how to love again...this time, the right way.  Learn from your experiences.

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By Lynnette Clement