Sometimes, home can get “heavy” from the stressors of life, and because of these stressors, we allow them to affect how we interact with those closest to us.  If we have a bad day at work, we tend to carry that energy into our home life.  If we get frustrated about driving home in rush hour traffic, we tend to carry that energy into our home life.  If we have an argument with a friend or family member, we tend to carry that energy into our home life.  However, displaced anger is unnecessary, unwarranted and is the worse kind of anger to place on someone who had nothing to do with why you are feeling upset or frustrated.  We have to learn how to adapt/shift our mindset from one environment to the next, so that we do not wrongfully make someone else pay for the crime that someone else committed.   To help to shift your mindset from one environment to the next, you have to learn how to always stay present.  Present meaning, in the current moment, in the now.   Often times, this might require you to have some time to deprogram.   I often get phone calls from people the second I get off from work, which I usually don’t answer, because I need me time, to deprogram from the work day.  If I have a bad day at work, I don’t want to put that energy on the person that is calling me, that had nothing to do with why my day was bad.  Taking the time to pause, allows you to regroup, rejuvenate, refocus, refresh and be ready for the next life event, without carrying “baggage” that was already deposited with you.  Home gets heavy, because as we get older, we get heavy.  Heavy, meaning, we carry a large load from parenting responsibilities, to work responsibilities, to being responsible for paying bills, to family obligations, to incorporating friendships and families, to spousal responsibilities and sometimes, when trying to juggle too much of the load, we get frustrated and overwhelmed.  As a result, we tend to take our frustrations out on the closest people to us.   I honestly believe this is the real reason why some people get divorced; they haven’t figured out how to handle the heavy load, and when things get too heavy, we use our fight or flight response.   We do whatever we have to do to reduce or eliminate the heavy load and start looking for things that we can get rid of, without thinking about the aftermath before doing so.  If we need to take a break, take a break, but taking a break doesn’t always mean leaving.  Taking a break could mean, "fall back" by going away for the weekend by yourself, or going with friends.   Going to the spa to get a massage or some other form of relaxation to deprogram and destress. 

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Finding structure and balance is important.  When things are chaotic at home, you have to establish some boundaries and rules that the household should adhere to.  These rules and boundaries should be established to make your home life less heavy.  If you need help with the bills and you have able bodies living with you that are not paying bills, have a family discussion about the new rules of the house, even if this means that everyone who is able to work, must work and helps to pay bills, whether it is a utility bill, a portion of the rent/mortgage, help with home repairs, and/or help buy groceries.  If you need help with household chores, time to divide up the responsibilities by delegating who takes care of the bathroom, who takes care of the kitchen; and who helps with the rest of the household chores.  All or most of the household responsibilities should not be placed on one person; hence, why home gets too heavy and people start looking for an out or an outlet.  Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself, even if that means that you lose friends or loved ones.  If you have to do everything yourself, you might as well be by yourself.  

 

Please understand that I am an advocate for making good relationships work with family, friends, and a significant other, when the relationship is worth saving.  However, I also understand that trying to make any relationship work is a dual process that involves both parties.  Therefore, each party has to pull his/her own weight of responsibilities in the relationship, so that things don’t get too heavy for one person.  Relationships are not easy, which is one of the main reasons why we should do our part to try as much as possible to not add to the uneasiness.  Relationships do not come with guidebooks and because each of us are different, a one-size fits all approach does not work for everyone.   When home gets heavy, seeking a professional counselor can help people figure out strategies to help make their relationship work.  Sharing in the responsibilities can help as well.  Help lighten the load, so that the load is not overwhelming for one person, and so that your mate does not want to look for an out (leave) or an outlet (another person with less of a load; working long hours to limit the time he/she is at home with you; and/or mental, verbal, or physical abuse, and/or drugs and alcohol abuse). 

When home gets heavy, take some time to find the love that the two of you share, before you took on other responsibilities, by planning a getaway for just the two of you.  When home gets heavy, leaving is not always the answer.  Do what works best for you.  Communicate with each other about what your needs are.  Just keep in mind that no matter who you are with, the home will eventually get heavy.  This is why most who leave, find themselves saying, the grass isn’t always greener.  Every home will get heavy, you just have to learn how to handle the load appropriately by dividing up the responsibilities, so that both of you can handle the weight.  In relationships you cannot be afraid to say, I need your help carrying this load, I cannot do it by myself.  Remember, relationships will require you to bend, but don’t break.  Don't let your home get too heavy.

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By Lynnette Clement