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The topic of accountability might be somewhat difficult for some to hear/read about, because most of us are usually defensive when we have to be held accountable for our actions, thoughts and behaviors. Some of you, are already reading this defensively and are looking for discrepancies in what I have to say about this topic and might feel like just because this information is not coming from YOU, it’s not reliable or accurate information.  Let's pull down those defensive walls and subjectivity, so that you can receive the real intention behind the messages in these articles each month (to help someone else navigate through life's challenges in a better way).  What I am stating in the magazine each month is My perspective, Not yours, so always keep that in mind.  I cannot state Your perspective, because I am not you.  Be accountable for keeping that in mind as you continue to read or listen to the articles in the magazine each month (on my YouTube channel as well).   

 

Being accountable is important, especially if you believe that everything you say and do is a result from what someone else does or says.  i.e., it’s always someone else’s fault and not yours.  If you think like that, you have a problem with accountability.  Please try to keep an open mind and open ear to listen to and/or read and process this message, because this is an extremely important topic.  Accountability is taking ownership of your behaviors and not placing the blame on anyone else for your actions.  This is not always an easy thing to do, especially if you have the mindset that you are always right, your way is the only way, or if you do not like to accept the fact that you are not perfect.  None of us are perfect.  

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To be accountable, requires a level of maturity and vulnerability to be open to admitting when you need to be held accountable for your actions.  To be accountable, we have to be open to constructive feedback and be okay with being challenged about the “why” of certain behavior.  In a relationship, it is important to be held accountable for your actions.  If you do or say something that is hurtful to your partner, you should be held accountable.    We also have to be held accountable when we let inappropriate behaviors continue without being challenged.  As the saying goes, "Hurt me once, shame on you.  Hurt me twice, shame on me."  If you hurt your mate, whether it was your intention to do so or not, you should apologize to him/her for hurting them and state that hurting them was not your intention (if it wasn't intentional).  Saying something like, "I apologize for hurting you, that was not my intention," can help ease any tension between you and your mate after you hurt them. 

 

The apology demonstrates accountability, even if you feel that you did not do anything wrong. You can apologize for the fact that your mate is hurt and you do not want him/her to continue to feel hurt and you ultimately want the both of you to get past the hurt and back to a healthy rapport.  Demonstrating accountability doesn’t always mean that you did something wrong.  When you are accountable enough to apologize, even if you feel that you did not do anything wrong, what you’re apologizing for is how your behavior could have impacted someone else in a negative way.

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When in a relationship, we have to be mindful to not be insulting, not to point fingers, and/or result to name calling, when we might feel that an apology or accountability is not warranted.  Couples who tend to argue a lot, usually argue because of a disagreement that turned into an unintended outcome that resulted from either party’s actions. I often hear the person who doesn't want to be held accountable for how they made someone else feel by either what he/she said or did say things like, “You’re being petty,” “Stop acting like a baby,” “It’s not that serious,” “Get over it!  I was only playing,” or "You're blowing things out of proportion, making a big deal out of nothing, that's crazy.  Grow up!"  If you get into a debate with your mate and you revert to inappropriate name calling, even in a joking way, and as a result you hurt your mate’s feelings, it will make matters worse if you follow up with saying any of those things that I just mentioned; thereby, adding insult to injury. 

 

What those types of reactions attempt to do is take the ownership of what you said or did and places it onto your mate, to release you from being held accountable.  A better response to hurting your mate is to take the mature route and apologize for hurting your mate, even if that was not your intent.  You should love your mate enough to be held accountable for what you say and do.

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A person can become accustomed to not being held accountable, so much so, that they do not always see the inappropriate things that they do as inappropriate.  One of the things that we often do in relationships is not hold people accountable for their actions, and this leads to the misconception that their inappropriate behavior isn’t wrong, therefore the behavior continues. Not holding people accountable when they should be held accountable usually leads to anger, unhappiness, and frustration that can build up to become hatred and resentment over time.  It could also lead you to engage in inappropriate behaviors as well.   Just think about it…have you ever been in a relationship where you didn’t hold someone accountable for inappropriate behaviors earlier in the relationship, and after those same behaviors continued, you eventually explode (curse them out) out of anger and frustration and have to finally say something about it?   At that point, what is usually their response?   "Why didn’t you say something before?"  "Why did you wait to say something now?  I didn’t know it bothered you when I……." you fill in the blank.  Hold your mate accountable and hold yourself accountable for your actions as well. All of us should try not to say anything that we don’t mean.  When you do anything, do it for good reason and take into consideration how what you say and do can impact your mate, thereby impacting your relationship as well.

 

In a relationship, we have to hold each other accountable for our actions and not be afraid to do so.  I’m not saying that we should nag him/her or nit-pick about everything, nor act as if we are hurt or upset just to get his/her attention.  Couples do have to pick and choose their battles.  What I am saying is, if you do something that hurts your mate, you should be held accountable.  When someone does or says something that hurts you or bothers you in a way that disturbs your peace of mind, you have to speak up about it and hold them accountable.  If you yourself, or someone else you know has challenges with being held accountable, it is usually a challenge with maturation.  We have to be mature enough mentally to be ready to be held accountable for our actions.  Who do you need to apologize to today?  For the Love of Your Relationship, Do it.  Be accountable.

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By Lynnette Clement