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In relationships, we bring so much to “the table” from our life experiences (good and sometimes, bad).  Our upbringing can influence our thoughts and behaviors, just like some of our experiences in relationships.  If you experience any type of traumatic experience in your life, it could cause your thoughts and behaviors to change.  This change could be either good or bad, dependent on what the experience is and how it changes you (for better or worse).   When making relational decisions, don’t let your trauma lead you into making decisions that you will later regret.  Don’t trust your trauma. 

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When approaching new relationships, after trauma, often times we assume that the new person could be exhibiting the same behaviors from someone in our past.  It can cause us to distrust and wait for the “ball to drop,” assuming that something will happen that is displeasing.  When things are going extremely well, sometimes, it might feel like things or someone are/is “too good to be true.”  However, there are good people out here and good things can happen naturally.   It is important to know that Everyone is not always out to hurt you.  Don’t trust your trauma.    

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You don’t have to worry about your relationship, unless there are things going on in your relationship that are concerning to you.   Communicate with your mate about what those things are and work towards resolving those things.  If those things or that thing cannot be resolved, consider whether or not the situation is a deal breaker and move accordingly.    Yes, there are red flags in the beginning of every relationship, just make sure that the “red flags” are actually warning signs, and not trauma triggers.   

 

Just because someone might exhibit some similarities from your past experiences, does not mean that he/she is doing what was done to you previously.   For example, if your mate does not answer his/her phone the first time you call them that day, and in your past relationships when you called your mate and they didn’t answer the phone, you later found out that they were cheating.  So, now when someone doesn’t answer their phone, you automatically assume that it is because he/she is cheating. If you do not have the Facts, try not to assume the worst, and don’t even mention it (unless it keeps you from sleeping well at night).  Communicate without making assumptions or accusations.   Ask questions!

 

Someone not answering their phone could be for different reasons like: they are sleep, they are at the movies, they are in a noisy location and didn’t hear it, their phone battery died, they are not in the same room where the phone is, they don’t feel like talking at the time of the call, they could be mad at you and don’t want to talk nor argue, they could be at work and cannot talk at the present time, they could be on an airplane or in an area where there is no phone reception…my point is there are several reasons, not just the one you might think is the reason.   Don’t trust your trauma. 

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You hear people often say, trust your gut, trust your intuition in your relationship.  However, you want to be very careful about what is guiding your thought process, is it what you think, what you know, what you feel, or based on what you experienced in your past.  The only thing that matters is what you KNOW to be 100% certain…not what you think, feel, and not what is based on your past experience.  Most of those things are led by trauma.  Heal from your trauma so that you can be open to knowing the facts, versus being charged or triggered by your trauma.  Don’t trust your gut or your intuition, if either of those things are triggered by your trauma, and not based on Facts. 

 

Only trust your gut feeling and your intuition when those things are based on what you know to be 100 percent true, not what you make up in your mind to be true, but what you know to be true based on the Facts.  Get out of your own way, so that you can be open to giving someone a fair chance at loving you and you giving yourself a fair chance at loving someone else. Everyone is not like your exes.   So, Don’t trust your trauma.  Don’t think negatively about being in a committed relationship.  Don’t think negatively about love.  Don’t trust your trauma, if you truly want a healthy and happy relationship.

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By Lynnette Clement