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Through Effective communication, we can gain clarity about things that we do not fully understand.  It is important that when you do not fully understand something that you do not assume.  Instead of assuming, ask clarifying questions, until you get to a point where you fully understand the situation or circumstance.  When you assume, you have to know that sometimes, what you are assuming is not accurate.  Therefore, you should ask questions, even when you think you know the answer.  Knowing the answer and thinking you know the answer are two different things.  When you assume, you are demonstrating what you think you know.   When you know, you have fact-based evidence to support your claim without making any assumptions.  In a relationship, do not be afraid to talk with your mate about anything.  No topic should be off limits, when you know how to effectively communicate.  Keep in mind that compassion, understanding, and empathy must be components of the conversation when discussing topics that might not be easy to talk about.

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Never assume that someone should know what your intentions are, how you feel, or why you feel how you feel.  Your mate is not a mind reader, despite how well he/she knows you personally, or what you think they should know about you.  Your mate is not a mind reader. When communicating with your partner make sure that you create a safe space for him/her to openly share their thoughts and ideas, without judgement, debate, or accusations.   When you judge, debate, or accuse your mate of doing or saying something, it usually creates a rebuttal response that could lead into an unnecessary argument.  Make sure that you fully understand the situation by checking for understanding.  To check for understanding, repeat back what your mate said, based on how you interpreted their message or behavior and ask him/her, “Is this the message that you are trying to convey?”  Let him/her know that by asking that question you are trying to gain an understanding, so that you know how to appropriately respond to the situation.   This will help you both gain an understanding of the intent of the message or behavior. 

 

You will learn what the message means, when you ask clarifying questions, and your mate will gain insight on how you interpreted his/her message or behavior.  There are a lot of times in relationships where you and your mate could be saying the same thing, in different ways.  In this situation, Neither of you are right or wrong; the way you communicate is just different.  Because of this difference in communication styles, ask questions for clarity.

 

Practice effective communication skills to avoid confusion and conflicts in your relationships.   Be clear.  Be honest. Be transparent.  Be mindful of words that could have multiple meanings, and know that it is both what you say and how you say it.  Although, a lot of people say, “It is not what you say, its how you say it,” I believe that it is both (what you say and how you say it).  For example: You can say something offensive in a nice away.  Just because you said it nicely, does not mean that what you said is not offensive, wrong or inappropriate.  We have to learn how to effectively communicate with each other in an effort to get the best results from the conversation.  

 

Learning how to communicate is an invaluable skillset that is sometimes underrated.  However, communication is a critical component in every relationship that you will encounter in life.  If people cannot talk to you without you becoming aggressive, accusatory, offensive, defensive, or argumentative, you will find that no one wants to talk to you. 

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Effective communication requires emotional intelligence, because when you communicate with others, you have to be able to manage your emotions, appropriately respond to the person, and appropriately diffuse conflict situations that might arise.  It is important to stay in the present of the conversation, so that you don’t wrongly lash out on someone who did not deserve that type of response.  Stay present.  Some people have triggers from past traumas and anything that you say to them could trigger them to respond in a negative way.  Or, they assume that what you say to them warrants their triggered response, because they are interpreting the conversation, based on their own perception (or how they would handle the situation), as well as how they communicate with others.  They could also be triggered because of how someone else inappropriately communicates with them; not understanding in that present moment that you are not them, nor are you the other person/people who created their triggers.

 

The unfortunate thing about people who have triggers when communicating is that, as soon as you match their negative energy, they view you as the one with the problem.  It is important to check your own mood, stay present in the conversation, and know how to handle people who are easily triggered.   Unless it is something personal, people, especially your mate, should be able to ask you anything without you responding to current questions in an inappropriate, childlike manner.  If there is a question that you do not understand, ask for clarity, before you react to a situation that is not that deep.  Ask yourself, Is what my mate asking me that deep?  It usually isn’t, so your response doesn’t have to be that deep either.  Ask for clarity, so you can keep the peace in your relationship. 

 

It is okay to say, I don’t understand what you are asking me. Can you explain, so that I don’t make up my own assumption?  And, when your mate ask for clarity, your response shouldn’t be, You understand, don’t act dumb…instead, your response should be the explanation that is rephrased in a very detailed way to clarify the question and to avoid confusion.  It is okay, to ask for clarity.

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By Lynnette Clement