SELECT YOUR LANGUAGE

Through our life experiences, we have to be careful that we do not form trauma bonds.  Trauma bonds can be formed in different ways.  Some people form trauma bonds through a shared traumatic experience with someone else (relatability), some people form trauma bonds through feeling sorry for someone (empathy and compassion), some people form trauma bonds based on what they are missing from their life (longingness), and some people form trauma bonds through being helped in some way (co-dependency). In spite of how trauma bonds are formed, it is not always a good way to form a bond with someone.  It is not always a good way to form a bond with someone because, often times, even when you should leave the person you formed a trauma bond with, your unhealed heart and mind will try to convince you to stay.  

 

You will try to convince yourself that you are okay with the situation as is, when in fact you know that you want, need, and deserve more.  For example, you might be with someone as a "side piece," without knowing that you are in fact helping the marriage or the relationship last longer, because of your presence that is there when he/she needs you to fill in the gaps of what he/she might be missing in their marriage or relationship.  Perhaps, if you left that environment, you will force the couple to have to actually look at how unhappy he/she is within the marriage or relationship, and they eventually might leave the person he/she is unhappy with. Then, you would actually have to ask yourself honestly, would you want to be in a relationship with someone who would cheat on their partner, because they would usually do the same thing to you.  I was once told that, " A side jawn, is never the only side jawn."  While you are filling in the hole, they feel whole within the marriage or relationship, so they tend to stay longer.  

 

It is easier to be distracted by outside influences that can cause you to overlook what you should be paying attention to.  Trauma bonds are usually unhealthy bonds that people tend to make up excuses about, when coming up with the reason why they cannot or shouldn't break the bond, especially if the person has not healed from the trauma.

 

When people are not healed, they tend to feel a level of comfort in the trauma, and a false sense of safety. Why? Because, trauma understands entrapment. 
If I can get you to feel like you owe me something, because of something I have done for you, you begin to believe that you will forever be indebted to me; making it harder for you to realize when it is time to let go.   You may have already paid them back time and time again by doing things for them as well.  Don't keep letting people hold you back from your healing.  Don't keep holding yourself back from your healing.  Your healing is important to breaking trauma bonds.

 

If you are trying to work towards healing, and/or if you are stuck in a depressive state and wonder why you cannot overcome the depression, consider the environment that you put yourself in.  Be honest about what it is like to be in that type of environment.  Is real love there?   Is mistreatment there?  Is genuine honesty there?  Is deception there?  Are you settling there?  Are unhealthy actions and behaviors there?  Are you getting what you truly want there, and are you truly happy there?  You cannot be happy, if you are still struggling with depression.  Did you ever stop to consider that your trauma bonds could be the reason why you are still struggling with depression?   If you are not truly getting what you want there, it could be the trauma bond that keeps pulling you to stay there or to go back there.

 

Sometimes, people try to make you feel guilty about breaking a trauma bond, because it is usually to their advantage to keep using you for their own selfish gain.  This is why it is so important to be honest with yourself about what is really going on, what you deserve, and how what is going on impacting your life in a negative way.  It is also easy for you to overlook or mistreat people who could be better to your healing process, when you are stuck in trauma bonds.  

We are not getting any younger.  Each day that passes by, we have more days behind us than we have ahead of us. So, it is past time to start making better decisions towards the life you really want to live and with whom you want to go through life with.  This will require you to break any of your trauma bonds.  It is okay to get rid of your past, when it is not beneficial to your future.  It will not be easy at first, because misery loves company, so people will try to keep you in their lives when it is to their advantage (not yours) to have you there.  You have to be the one who draws the line to get what you really want from your life.  Stop lying to yourself about how trauma bonds are impacting you, and impacting your relationships.   Cut people off who really shouldn't be in your life.  Breaking trauma bonds is not always easy, however, if you follow these steps below, you could be on your way to finally healing from your trauma and finally breaking those trauma bonds.  You cannot heal without breaking unhealthy trauma bonds.

How do you break trauma bonds?  
-Seek counsel for healthy healing and be serious about it, even if you have to be alone for some time until you are whole and healthy in your oneness.

-Take the first step towards breaking the trauma bond and do not let people make you feel guilty about cutting off whatever is hindering your growth and progress forward.

-Tell the story to yourself about what is really going on in your life.  Tell your story.  What trauma are you in? What is really going on in those spaces?  What are the people or person doing in their own personal lives, and how are those things really affecting you?  Would you want someone you care about to treat you that same way the person you have a trauma bond attachment to treats you?

-Disconnect from communicating with people who are a part of your traumatic experiences, as much as possible, so that you can move on without him/her and begin to heal.

-Be honest with yourself about why it is unhealthy to hold on to trauma bonds, and why you really need to walk away, even if it is hard to do.

-Remove yourself from the toxic, unhealthy environment. Know that it is beneficial to your healing process and you cannot fully heal until after you fully let go.

-Look at the person for who they show you they truly are, and not for what you hope they could or should be.  Ask yourself and be honest, is that the type of person you really need or want in your life?  Be strong enough to walk away. You will be fine.

-Forgive yourself and release yourself from the trauma bonds.  Don't keep going back to the trauma, and pretending that you're heartless or numb about what is going on with your life.

-Once the trauma bond is broken, never look back.  Don't chain yourself to it again.

If a trauma bond is holding you back from moving on, being healed, happy, whole, and living a more fulfilling life, you need to let go of what no longer serves you well.  Let go of what is not beneficial to your emotional, or mental well-being.  Today, I pray for YOU.  I pray that every trauma bond is broken in your life.  I pray that you pray for yourself, asking God to HEAL, SET FREE, DELIVER, PROTECT, PROVIDE, and SAVE YOU from your trauma bonds that you may never return to, and save you from yourself, so that you can finally live the life that you deserve to live, trauma and drama FREE.

​

By. Lynnette Clement

​