SELECT YOUR LANGUAGE

When we are in relationships, we have to keep in mind that the person that we choose to be in a relationship with, was not raised in the same household that you were raised in, and therefore he/she does not have the same upbringing and background knowledge that you have.  Even if you find someone who was raised in a similar manner, it does not mean that the person will share the same values and morals that you possess.  If you do find a mate who shares your same values and morals, that is great.  Each of us are unique individuals with different preferences about life, relationships, and love. 

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During the dating phase, you will find that some people simply do not have the capacity to love you the way that you need and deserve to be loved.  Not having the capacity to love you the way that you deserve to be loved, doesn’t make them a bad person.  It just means that you may have to find the love that you are deserving of elsewhere, and accept the person for who he/she shows you that they are and what they are either willing to do and/or capable of doing.

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The capacity to love also transcends into familial relationships.  Some parents who weren’t raised in loving homes, often have a difficult time showing and expressing love to their children.  As children, we expect our parents to love us in certain ways, because they are our parents. However, if you have a parent who has psychological issues or suffers from substance abuse, you may find that they do not have the capacity to love you the way that you need them to.  You don’t have to accept anyone’s mistreatment. But, the tough part that you have to accept is that he/she does not have the capacity to love you.  This is also true in relationships, when you are with a mate who finds it difficult to love, because they may have been hurt by someone they love.

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I believe that when we can accept people for who they are and what they are and are not capable of doing, we can remove expectations that we place on people who are incapable of loving us the way that we need to be loved.  Removing the expectations helps to decrease their ability to hurt you when they do not express their love for you the way that you think they should.  Often times, we get so hurt and frustrated when we expect those around us to love us the same way that we love them.  If the people you want to express their love for you were not raised in a loving environment, it could mean that they could be incapable of loving you the way that you want them to love you (and this applies to familial relationships as well). Because someone doesn’t express love in the same way that you do, It does not mean that they don’t love you. It could mean that he/she does not know how to show love the way that you know how to receive it. This is why it is so important to teach people how to love you the way that you receive love. 

 

Discuss what your love language is, without the expectation that they will express love in the same way that you do.  Ask your mate these questions, How do you receive love?  What is the best way for me to show you that I love you?  Listen to their response and try to expand your capacity, if you truly love him/her to show them how much you truly love them.  If your mate, friends, or family members do not have the capacity to love you, letting go of the expectation might also mean that you minimize your contact with them and don’t try to force or convince anyone to love you.  Love yourself the way you want to be loved.

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By Lynnette Clement