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Emotional trauma from past relationships doesn’t just disappear with time. For many of us, especially in cultures that discourage emotional vulnerability, those unhealed wounds often manifest in subtle and destructive ways, two of which are: projection and deflection.

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Too often in relationships, men and women project unresolved pain onto their partners and deflect responsibility in relationships. Trauma in romantic relationships can leave deep emotional scars that can make us never want to love again or let anyone get close to us.  Some men and women don’t like to admit that the latter statement is true because they would  rather bury their feelings than process them. As a result, these experiences frequently go unresolved, leaving them bitter, in a disbelief about loving relationships, which could lead to  avoidance, settling, or stagnation. 

 

We have to know that unresolved doesn't mean inactive. For example, these traumas often continue to operate in the background, shaping your beliefs, reactions, and behaviors in new relationships.  This is usually where projection comes into play.

 

Projection is when someone attributes their own unpleasant feelings from past experiences onto someone else that had nothing to do with those experiences.  A man or woman who was cheated on in a previous relationship may constantly accuse his current partner of being dishonest, even in the absence of factual evidence. Or, he/she might assume that his/her mate has bad intentions (where there are none) because of what happened to him/her in a previous relationship.  In this type of situation, projection acts as a defense mechanism.

 

By externalizing fear and insecurity, men and women try to avoid facing the pain that they felt before.  In doing so, is  really unfair to the current partner, who ends up paying for someone else’s mistreatment.  In this type of situation the man or woman may start the blame game saying, No, it’s not about my past, it's you.  Or saying, it’s not me, it’s you.   When the truth might be that it is either both of you, or one of you.  This is called deflection.

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Deflection is another way unprocessed trauma shows up in relationships.  Couples use deflection to avoid accountability and shift blame.  Instead of approaching each other with defense, projection or deflection, approach your mate with LOVE.  This is important because you could push your mate away when you don’t examine your own behavior or emotional reactions to situations, and are not healed from past hurts.  Immaturity, deflection, projection, ego and pride are the death of relationships.  These things erase trust, respect, accountability, love, and emotional safety in the relationship, as well as sexual fluency.  They block authentic connection, since vulnerability and accountability are essential to true intimacy.

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When men and women project and deflect, they not only hurt others, they stay trapped in a cycle of their own pain.  New partners can’t become healers, and no relationship can thrive under the weight of unresolved baggage. These patterns often lead to repeated relationship failures, and self-sabotage from having a one track mindset. 

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Past hurts are not something that you should just brush under the rug, as if it never happened.  You have to be open and honest about how you feel and why.  In an effort to heal from past trauma, it will require you to  confront it; not hide from it.  Become self-aware by recognizing your patterns.  Are your reactions out of proportion to the current situation (overreactive)?  Is your approach to relationships distrusting and discouraging?  Are you open-minded enough to know that everyone is not your ex and no two people are the same?  Can you be non-judgmental to someone with whom you don’t know, but are trying to get to know fully? Awareness is the first step to changing your trauma responses.

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What can help men and women who have experienced bad relationships heal from them is to talk with a therapist or counselor who will help them unpack old wounds safely, and work towards moving past traumas, gain emotional regulation, develop better communication skills, accountability, and better coping processing grief skills.

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Don’t be afraid to talk with your mate and express your needs in the relationship, be vulnerable enough to discuss your fears and concerns directly, instead of through making accusations or being unloving or avoidant.  True strength lies in the ability to be open and honest, even when it’s hard.

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Men and women who carry unresolved trauma from past relationships aren’t broken or damaged, unless they stop loving, living and remain in the trauma.  He/she might be operating on outdated emotional survival mechanisms that needs to end or the relationship usually will end sooner rather than later.  Unresolved trauma and your response to it is the silent armor that you need to remove so that you can love and live again.  You can heal, so that you can truly be happy.

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True healing requires courage.  The courage to feel, to reflect, and to take responsibility of your own life.  On the other side of trauma is healing.  The work towards healing is something powerful that can lead to healthier relationships, knowing and doing better, not deflecting or projecting, having a deeper understanding of self, and the ability to love (and be loved) without fear.  I challenge you to remove your silent armor, so that you can live again and love again…in a much better way.

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By Lynnette Clement